Twas the week before Christmas, and seriously stressed,
Hustling and bustling to to cook up my best.
Spreading holiday cheer, and obliged to cavort
I knew this week’s blogging time would be cut short.
As post-time drew nearer, I lay in my bed,
while visions of deadlines filled me with dread.
More days had passed, and while buying gift wrap,
I remembered that deadline and muttered, “aw, crap.”
When out from my brain there arose subject matter,
a recipe to make us all happier, fatter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Well, more like the saunter of drunken white trash…
But for now I excitedly want to show,
just how to make your coterie grow.
With velvety chocolate, whose purpose is clear,
we’ll build a treat that is easy, austere.
Now, all that you need is a coffee cup,
and a spoon or a fork to mix the stuff up.
A few more things we’ll to add to the list,
and create a treat by following this:
Add flour and sugar, mix it up quick,
drop in an egg to make it real thick,
“ADD COFFEE AND MILK!” I will exclaim,
and not till we’re done do we give it a name.
Stir in the oil, we’re now almost done,
although it may feel we have just begun.
Into a microwave’s is how we will bake,
a five minute mug-based chocolate cake.
Seductively stirring like a cheap, brazen vixen,
I wonder what else I could possibly mix in.
When almost by fate I spotted the mint,
a smile drew on my lips, and in my eyes, a glint.
I grabbed the mint to add just a dash,
a couple drops? Nay, a splash.
Except I dropped and broke that bottle,
thanks to my awkward, tall man’s toddle.
With a big scream, a stomp, and a growl,
and several words so very foul,
I grabbed my car keys, and was off to the store,
to go purchase just a couple drops more.
Returning home I spotted the cat,
with his face looking guilty, matted with scat.
No, wait…it’s chocolate. Guess from where!
Gritting my teeth, I start to swear.
I chased the cat like an angry sheep drover,
then rinsed out the cup and started all over.
Around the cat’s neck I tied a tight tether,
and grabbed my ingredients to put them together.
As I finished my mixing I thought I could hear,
something outside sound like holiday cheer.
I put on my shoes, left my house in a dash,
and found a big bearded man stealing my trash.
“Santa, that you?” I asked jubilantly.
The startled man spun and stared directly at me,
“Uh, sure…” he said, with a gulp and a burp,
through nicotine teeth, then wiped trash on his shirt.
I couldn’t believe it, what fortune! What luck!
and looked on in wonder when he asked for a buck.
“Better than THAT!” I was starting to schmooze,
Silly Santa asked me, “is it hookers or booze?”
“No, Santa. See, I made you something to eat,
a sugar mint chocolate holiday treat!”
I brought him the cake served up in a mug,
and eagerly waited a jolly ole hug.
He took a big bite and smiled from ear to ear,
and shifted his cheek to let a squeak out his rear.
A siren then wailed with a red and blue glow,
Santa gave my mug and screamed, “AHH, gotta go!”
As he ran from the cops I felt a tear in my eye,
and felt very blessed to have met that great guy.
So for all those who need proof that Santa is real
go to 19th and 4th — it’s where he makes his drug deals.
5 Minute Chocolate Peppermint Mug Cake
Summary: A quick treat for when you’re craving cake, but not a whole one.
Preparation time: 2.5 minute(s)
Cooking time: 2.5 minute(s)
Number of servings (yield): 1
- 1 16oz Microwave-safe coffee mug
- 4 tbsp all purpose flour
- 4 tbsp sugar
- 3 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder
- 1/4 tsp baking powder
- 1/4 tsp salt
- 1 tbsp coconut oil (other vegetable oils will also work)
- 3 tbsp buttermilk (regular milk will work just fine)
- 1 egg, lightly beaten
- 2 tbsp hot coffee
- 1/4 tsp mint extract
- 1 crushed peppermint candy cane, divided
- Dollop of marshmallow fluff or frosting.
- Place all ingredients (minus crushed candy cane) in the mug and mix together, being sure to scrape the bottom and sides to incorporate all dry ingredients into the wet.
- Add half the crushed candy cane and mix well.
- Place in microwave and bake on high for 2 to 2-1/2 minutes. Cake is done when it is no longer wiggly-wet.
- Remove from microwave and let stand for a couple minutes — it’ll be hot!
- Top with frosting or marshmallow fluff and sprinkle with remaining crushed candy cane.
- Report your missing garbage to the police.
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