Riceless Veggie Fried Rice (Paleo, Whole30)

While shopping for ingredients to make this riceless fried rice, I locked eyes with a purse lipped, big-blue-eyed, chunky monkey baby who was staring me down with burning curiosity while slung around his mom’s flank. Babies stare at me a lot I’ve noticed. I can’t ever tell if it’s because we kinda look alike (you know, same hair, same person type thing), or maybe because I act like a turd and make faces at them when their moms aren’t looking. But when crossing my eyes and puffing my cheeks makes babies hiccup with gurgled laughter with their heavy heads swung back like little drunken nincompoops EVERY TIME, well. . .it’s kind of hard to resist the urge to do it every time you pass one. And then the biological cogs start turning and I wonder why I haven’t boarded the baby train yet.

Paleo Riceless Veggie Fried Rice

Inevitably, I will then immediately be faced with some hellion toddler that leaves sticky pawprints in its wake and coughs in its mother’s open mouth (I’ve seen this, and as a germaphobe it still wakes me up at night in cold sweats), I remember one little thing: Kids are pretty gross, and I’m not sure I’m prepared for that level of gross just yet. And then I buy more Purell.


In the meantime, while I wait for my neuroses to clear up (they do clear up, don’t they?), I have my cooking. And I have this fried rice. But I don’t have rice, because rice doesn’t always treat me so well, so instead I make rice cauliflower. Which, in spite of its ability to create the most noxious of gasses, is a pretty excellent substitute in this recipe. Cauliflower rice is cauliflower that’s been pulsed through a food processor until rice-sized (though, admittedly I pulse to quinoa size for faster cooking) and then used in just about any recipe calling for rice.

Paleo Riceless Veggie Fried Rice

Paleo Riceless Veggie Fried Rice

Another substitution is using coconut aminos from Coconut Secret in place of soy sauce. Soy sauce, with its high probability of containing GMO soybeans (unless you happen to use special brands of artisanal, non-GMO, traditionally fermented soy sauce as the Chinese did centuries ago) as well as a whacked out level of sodium, is tasty, but rarely a healthy addition to any dish. Observe the differences:


  • Soy Sauce: Made from ingredients such as wheat, soybeans, sodium benzoate (preservative), salt and aspergillis mold to help activate soy fermentation. Oh, and about 540mg of sodium per tablespoon.

– VS –


  • Coconut aminos: Ingredients are aged organic coconut sap with sea salt. Sodium content is 200mg less than standard soy sauce at 340mg per tablespoon. Also? It’s mega delicious.


Wrap it all up with mushrooms, carrots, peppers and spices, and what you’ve got is the world’s most delicious batch of riceless veggie fried rice, and I swear to god won’t ever cough in your open mouth. What a win!



Paleo Riceless Veggie Fried Rice

Recipe: Riceless Veggie Fried Rice (Paleo, Whole30, SCD)

Preparation time: 15 minute(s)

Cooking time: 15 minute(s)

Number of servings (yield): 8

My rating 5 stars:  ★★★★★ 1 review(s)


  • 1 large head cauliflower
  • 2 tbsp coconut oil
  • 1 medium onion
  • 2 carrots, diced
  • 1 green pepper, diced
  • 3 cloves garlic, minced
  • 8 oz sliced mushrooms
  • 1 tbsp ginger, grated
  • 4 large eggs
  • 1 tsp toasted sesame oil
  • 4 tbsp coconut aminos (more depending on taste)
  • 5 green onions – green part only, sliced
  • Salt to taste


  1. Cut cauliflower head into florets and pulse in batches in a food processor until rice or quinoa sized, but do not over-pulse. Set aside.
  2. Heat coconut oil in a wok or a skillet with large sides over medium heat and sauté onion, carrots and green pepper until soft making sure not to brown them, about 8-10 minutes. Add garlic and ginger and sauté for 30 seconds.
  3. Add mushrooms and continue to sauté until mushrooms are cooked soft.
  4. Crack eggs into mixture and scramble until cooked.
  5. Add cauliflower, sesame oil and coconut oil to mixture and cook while stirring constantly.
  6. Cook cauliflower down until semi-soft, about 4-5 minutes, but do not overcook as it will begin to release moisture and may make the mixture semi-mushy. Remove from heat, mix in green onions and add salt to taste.



Paleo Fried Pickles

Whoops, it’s been a while, huh?


As you may or may not have noticed, I haven’t been blogging lately and I’m going to attempt to make a very long story very brief:


I had been sick for a long time and reached a breaking point in my health. Realized my diet of eating chocolate cake and not much else were making me feel god damn awful. I took a few months off to fix my body and watch the ENTIRE SERIES OF GOLDEN GIRLS. Started eating a paleo “diet”, and now feel like one smooth operator.


During this time of healing I came to two unrelated conclusions: 1) Dorothy Zbornak was probably too big for roller coasters. 2) You can seriously paleo-ify just about anything. Like, oh, I don’t know… fried pickles?

Paleo Fried Pickles


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Paleo Mashed “Potatoes”

I’m usually pretty dubious about foods presented in quotation marks. Typically it means someone’s trying to sell me something I’m not all that interested in buying. Like when I’m traveling abroad and someone offers me a “biscuit” and I’m all, “um, I’m pretty sure that’s a cookie.” These liars don’t speak in quotes, but trust me, it’s implied.


So why the quotes anyway? Potatoes are pretty straight forward; it’s either a potato or it isn’t. While this recipe falls under the isn’t, it’s also under might as well be, and here’s why….

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Smoky Beef Heart Sliders with Spinach-Bacon Aioli

Do I like heart meat? No. No I do not. I do not like it in a box, I do not like it with a fox. I do not like it with a skunk, I do not like to eat dat junk. But in our ever-growing community of nose-to-tail consumption, it’s behooving (beHOOFing? Ugh, don’t look at me.) to find ways to eat the somewhat unconventional parts of animals and reap their nutritional benefits.

Beef heart burger with spinach-bacon aioli


I don’t really cook offal. Or eat offal. And it’s not that I’m not an adventurous eater, it’s just…have you seen what sweetbreads look like?


Certain things just make me severely uncomfortable, like gory movies and the palpable air of certain doom that follows the elderly. Or being trusted to hold small children. They’re just so breakable and I’m so very clumsy.


Offal doesn’t really make me feel all that much different.

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Sweet Potato Poutine + Sweet Potato Fries recipe

Canada is known for so much: The maple leaf, cheap Viagra and so many beavers — the latter two being regrettably unrelated. Canadians are also known for being chronically friendly, but so are most puppies so I’m not even sure if I can give them that one.


But this post isn’t about beavers or puppies, it’s about poutine (pronounced POOH-TIN — Thanks Johr!). Poutine is a Quebecois dish that is French fries, brown gravy and cheese curds. Dreamy, right?


Sweet Potato Poutine

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Baked Lime-Mayo Chicken recipe

I’d arrived at the grocery store – the third grocery store within a half hour – looking for quail. You know quail. It’s a small bird. It’s a small bird that is hunted for its small meat for no real reason other than people can eat it, so we do. Except for those of us living in Tampa, because nobody knows what a quail even is.

Baked mayo-lime chicken

My initial vision for this dish was a tiny quail on a soft bed of wild rice, roasted with a spicy lime quail egg mayo. The poultry lady at the store looked confused and offered up her assistance, “so…you mean you want a Cornish hen?”


I was exhausted. After running around town and coming up empty, I the bitter sense of defeat lingered over my head like an Acme anvil attached to an unthreaded rope. I let out an exasperated sigh that may have come off as rude, which I recognized immediately, and offered up a smile to offset the sigh before throwing my hands in the air and saying, “ok, lady! Take me to your Cornish hens!”

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Pumpkin Risotto Recipe

After the events of this previous week, I’ve started reassessing my stance on pumpkin-flavored things. It was last Monday night that my car was obliterated by an angry drunk with a rap sheet the length of my forearm when I had a pumpkin spiced latte, but I thought little of the correlation.

Pumpkin Risotto

It wasn’t until Thursday that a single lump of pumpkin gnocchi smothered in a viscous maple beurre blanc found itself lodged in my throat with nobody around to help but the cat, who looked neither concerned nor impressed, that I caught on: Pumpkin means danger.


But thinking of those children starving in various multisyllabic faraway countries, whom I’ve dubiously been told would be happy to eat a variety of oddly-prepared, ill-fated foods I rejected growing up, I side-eyed my remaining pumpkin puree and sighed. Stuck halfway between duty and hazard, I broke out the puree, which of course meant only one thing: I was probably going to catch dysentery.


Except I instead got risotto.


Pumpkin Risotto


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