No-Bake Paleo Chocolate Cream Pie (Gluten/Sugar/Dairy-Free)

There are things in life that scare me. Like, for instance, when you’re sitting in a doctor’s office for a regular checkup and you’re asked to remove all of your clothes, but remember you wore your unforgivably ugly underwear because it’s laundry day, and you make a panicked mental reminder to find a new doctor because, clearly, you can’t face this one again.

But also diet things. Like, any and all diet things.  I think we can thank the ’80s for most things “diet” and “lite”, as well as for acid wash denim and the surge of needlessly long guitar solos that make most songs too awkward for karaoke.

Paleo Chocolate Cream Pie (Dairy/Grain/Sugar/Gluten free)


My defenses against these fears are, first, keep a healthy stock of doctor-friendly underwear, and second, combat the diet fad by making my junk food the way the food gods intended: full fat, full flavor, no shame.

Like this ridiculous wheat-, dairy-, egg-, gluten-, and sugar-free chocolate cream pie, for instance:

Chocolate cream pie is probably my favorite thing in the world, just before rubbing puppy bellies and after Youtube videos of babies eating lemons. I just don’t buy it often because it’s chock full of stuff I just don’t want in my food. Like chemical sweeteners, sub-par ingredients and the grubby fingers of waitresses at The Village Inn.

The crust is made of pecans and dates, the filling is made from cocoa, dates, avocados and vanilla, and the whipped cream? Coconut milk and raw honey. (Though, for full disclosure,  I used pastured cream to make the whipped cream for the sake of aesthetics. Because I’m shallow.)

You read that ingredient list, right?

  • Avocado
  • Dates
  • Pecans
  • Cocoa
  • Vanilla
  • Coconut milk (or pastured cream)
  • Raw honey

Das it! No shenanigans going on here; nothing diet, just normal foods with healthy fats and real flavor. Want to know why? Because diets are the cause of tragedies. Diets are the cause of the ebola virus** and high-waisted mom jeans. I’ll let you decide which one’s worse.

**The author is told to clearly note that this is an alleged allegation, which relieves him of any legal liabilities brought forth by diet foods or the highly gullible. The mom jeans bit is true, though. So…you know, watch out. Because diets WILL GIVE YOU DYSENTERY.***

***Also alleged…ly an awful thing to experience. So don’t eat diet foods.


Preparation time: 20 minute(s)

Number of servings (yield): 12

Recipe: Paleo Chocolate Cream Pie


  • For the whipped topping:
  • 2 cans of full fat coconut milk OR 1.5 cups heavy whipping cream
  • 1.5 tsp vanilla
  • 2 tbsp honey
  • For the crust:
  • 2 cups pecan meal
  • 1 cup chopped dates
  • pinch of salt
  • For the filling:
  • 3 ripe hass avocados
  • 1/4 cup + 2 tbsp cocoa powder
  • 2.75 cups chopped dates
  • 2 tsp vanilla


For the whipping cream:
Skip to step #5 if using heavy whipping cream instead of coconut milk

  1. If using coconut milk, you must prepare at least one day in advance. Place cans of full fat coconut milk in fridge for minimum of 24 hours.
  2. Open cans and remove the thick coconut milk (it will be very thick and not at all runny) but leave behind the coconut water.
  3. Place coconut milk solid into a chilled mixing bowl along with honey and vanilla and, using an electric mixer, whip for 2-3 minutes to aerate the cream. You do not want to overwhip, otherwise it will heat up the coconut milk and make it runny.
  4. Place in fridge while preparing the remaining ingredients
  5. If using whipping cream, combine chilled whipping cream, honey and vanilla in a chilled mixing bowl and whip on high until stiff peaks are formed.
  6. Place in fridge while preparing the remaining ingredients.

For the crust:

  1. If dates are very dry, place in warm water for 5 minutes to soften them up.
  2. Place pecan meal, dates and salt into a food process and process for 30 seconds to one minute, or until it comes together. The crust “dough” should be moist and stick together easily, but not too sticky or wet.
  3. Press into a pie pan and place in freezer while preparing filling.

For the filling:

  1. Place avocados, cocoa powder, dates and vanilla into a food processor and process for 3 minutes, or until the mixture is smooth. Check to make sure there are no lumps.
  2. Taste for sweetness and adust by adding additional dates, if wanted.
  3. Spread filling into crust and place in freezer for thirty minutes.
  4. Remove from freezer, top with whipped topping, and place in freezer for one hour minimum.
  5. Serve frozen.

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