There, in a town, that just might be yours
were gruesome displays of violent gore.
Of scenes very bloody and horrors untold
where bodies-turned-dishes were eaten and sold.
Dozens went missing, the young and the old,
and none of them knew how their end would unfold:
The town’s chef would claim a victim or two
and put them in dishes that gained rave reviews.
From braised Susan biscuits and Tommy pot pies,
He’d serve up roast Lisa with Yukon gold fries.
Unknowing town’s people had come from afar
to try out a piece of chef’s deep fried Lamar.
More disappeared but not one suspected
that the friendly chef had been so connected.
Now with his recipes feeling inert,
the chef went to making a winning dessert.
He made puddings and custards, trying in vain
to concoct a flaming souffle from Anne’s brain.
Unimpressed customers left in thick droves,
out of ideas, the chef wept at his stove.
But suddenly chef had come up with a plan,
and grabbed for a rusty old spoon and a pan.
Chef mixed up flour, milk, sugar and egg,
and boiled up blood, stirring it with a leg.
Tossed in the oven, chef shouted with glee,
at his plan for his latest victim, Henry.
Set to 350 he began to bake
a bright, bloody red velvet slaughter cake.
The droves all came back with their forks and their knives,
to eat chef’s new cake, all while risking their lives.
Chef looked at the guests for a victim, but who?
You’d better watch out, because it might be you.
RED VELVET SLAUGHTER CAKE
(adapted from Waldorf-Astoria Red Velvet Cake)
Preparation time: 45 minute(s)
Cooking time: 55 minute(s)
Number of servings (yield): 18-20
Recipe for cake
NOTE: the following directions makes EACH tier, not both. You will need to make two batches to make both the bottom (8×3) and top tier (6×3) of the cake)
- 1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened
- 1 1/2 cups sugar
- 2 large eggs, room temperature
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 oz. liquid red food coloring + 1 bottleful of water
- 2 tablespoons unsweetened natural cocoa powder (not dutch processed or dark)
- 2 1/2 cups flour (AP or cake)
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 cup buttermilk, room temperature
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 teaspoon white vinegar
For the frosting
- 1 1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened
- 2 cups confectioners’ sugar
For the assembly
- Prepared frosting
- 6×3 and 8×3 cake tiers
- 12 oz white fondant
For the “blood”
- 1tbsp water
- 2 tbsp corn starch
- 1tsp red food coloring
- 1 or 2 drops green food coloring
- 1 tsp chocolate syrup or maple syrup
For the cake:
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
- Beat butter and sugar in a stand mixer on medium speed until fluffy. Add one egg at a time allowing to mix for 15-20 seconds after each addition to ensure it is fully incorporated. In a small bowl combine vanilla extract, cocoa powder, red food coloring and 1 oz water until smooth and mix into cake batter, making sure to scrape down the side of the bowl and mix very well.
- In a separate bowl sift together flour, baking powder and salt and set aside.
- Turn mixer on medium and add the flour mixture in three additions while alternating between the buttermilk, starting and ending with the flour mixture.
- Combine baking soda and vinegar in a small cup, allowing it to fizz, and add to batter once it settles.
- Make two batches of the recipe and add one to an 8×3″ prepared cake pan and one to a 6×3 prepared cake pan and bake for 40-45 minutes and 50-55 minutes, respectively, or until a toothpick can be inserted and comes out clean.
- Once cooled, level off the top of the cakes with a knife or cake leveler so it is nice and flat.
For the frosting:
- Beat butter in a stand mixer over medium speed until light and fluffy and add confectioners’ one cup at a time, scraping down the sides and mixing until fully incorporated.
For the assembly:
- Frost each cake tier completely using all of the frosting except for two tbsp, making sure the frosting is smooth and even. Place in fridge for 15 minutes to chill slightly.
- Split fondant and place on a surface dusted with corn starch or powdered sugar. Roll out to 1/8 inch thickness and place on each cake. Ensure your fondant is big enough to cover the entire cake and its sides!
- Smooth fondant around the cake sides slowly, working down each side and smoothing as you go along. Place each tier in fridge for 15 minutes to chill.
- Once chilled, place one tablespoons of frosting directly into the center of the bottom tier, but do not spread. Place top tier on the bottom tier and use remaining tablespoon of frosting to patch up any gaps between the bottom and top tier.
For the “blood”:
- Combine all ingredients and mix well. The chocolate or maple syrup and green food coloring will ensure the color of the mixture has a more realistic veinous blood look. Adjust water and cornstarch if too thick/runny and adjust food coloring if the coloring is off.
- Directions: Place cake outside on top of newspaper to ensure you do not make a mess. Cover hands in shortening or wear gloves.
- Dip toothbrush or vegetable brush in the prepared blood and use your finger to run across the brush while close to the cake to create a blood spray effect. Dip brush in blood and flick it at the cake to create a blood splatter effect.
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