No-Bake Paleo Chocolate Cream Pie (Gluten/Sugar/Dairy-Free)

There are things in life that scare me. Like, for instance, when you’re sitting in a doctor’s office for a regular checkup and you’re asked to remove all of your clothes, but remember you wore your unforgivably ugly underwear because it’s laundry day, and you make a panicked mental reminder to find a new doctor because, clearly, you can’t face this one again.


But also diet things. Like, any and all diet things.  I think we can thank the ’80s for most things “diet” and “lite”, as well as for acid wash denim and the surge of needlessly long guitar solos that make most songs too awkward for karaoke.

Paleo Chocolate Cream Pie (Dairy/Grain/Sugar/Gluten free)


My defenses against these fears are, first, keep a healthy stock of doctor-friendly underwear, and second, combat the diet fad by making my junk food the way the food gods intended: full fat, full flavor, no shame.


Like this ridiculous wheat-, dairy-, egg-, gluten-, and sugar-free chocolate cream pie, for instance:



Chocolate cream pie is probably my favorite thing in the world, just before rubbing puppy bellies and after Youtube videos of babies eating lemons. I just don’t buy it often because it’s chock full of stuff I just don’t want in my food. Like chemical sweeteners, sub-par ingredients and the grubby fingers of waitresses at The Village Inn.

Paleo Chocolate Cream Pie (Dairy/Grain/Sugar/Gluten free)

The crust is made of pecans and dates, the filling is made from cocoa, dates, avocados and vanilla, and the whipped cream? Coconut milk and raw honey. (Though, for full disclosure,  I used pastured cream to make the whipped cream for the sake of aesthetics. Because I’m shallow.)


You read that ingredient list, right?

  • Avocado
  • Dates
  • Pecans
  • Cocoa
  • Vanilla
  • Coconut milk (or pastured cream)
  • Raw honey


Walnut/Date Crust

Paleo Chocolate Cream Pie (Dairy/Grain/Sugar/Gluten free)

Paleo Chocolate Cream Pie (Dairy/Grain/Sugar/Gluten free)


Das it! No shenanigans going on here; nothing diet, just normal foods with healthy fats and real flavor. Want to know why? Because diets are the cause of tragedies. Diets are the cause of the ebola virus** and high-waisted mom jeans. I’ll let you decide which one’s worse.



**The author is told to clearly note that this is an alleged allegation, which relieves him of any legal liabilities brought forth by diet foods or the highly gullible. The mom jeans bit is true, though. So…you know, watch out. Because diets WILL GIVE YOU DYSENTERY.***


***Also alleged…ly an awful thing to experience. So don’t eat diet foods.




Paleo Chocolate Cream Pie (Dairy/Grain/Sugar/Gluten free)



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  • April 24, 2013 - 9:56 pm | Permalink

    My mind has been deliciously blown…can’t wait to try this!

  • May 1, 2013 - 11:03 pm | Permalink

    Wow this looks devine! Can’t wait to try it :)

  • jess
    June 9, 2013 - 2:21 am | Permalink

    is there any chance almond meal can be used instead of pecan meal?

  • Micheal
    July 8, 2013 - 10:37 pm | Permalink

    You shouldn’t call this sugar free. There are WAY too many dates in this recipe for that. It is pretty tasty though.

  • July 9, 2013 - 6:30 am | Permalink

    Hi Michael, I’m glad you liked it! I consider any recipe without the use of refined sugar to be sugar free. Though I agree that the dates are high glycemic, and if your body reacts negatively to it you could likely change them out for something lower glycemic, such as stevia or coconut palm sugar (for the pudding, not the crust). I haven’t tried either for this recipe, but let me know how it turns out if you do.

  • October 23, 2013 - 1:45 am | Permalink

    LOVED this recipe!!! It was deeeeelish. My only problem was the coconut cream. Even after leaving in in the fridge for nearly 24 hours, it still didn’t ‘whip up’. Does it take longer to whip coconut cream than regular cream? Thanks !

    • November 1, 2013 - 10:12 pm | Permalink

      Hi Kathleen, so glad you liked it! I think the type of coconut milk you get greatly affects how well the whipped cream turns out. I’ve had some brands work perfectly, and others wouldn’t budge. The inconsistency is kinda frustrating! I’ve heard that Natural Value brand is pretty great for making whipped cream, and it contains no guar gum like most coconut milk.

  • Laura
    November 25, 2013 - 2:52 am | Permalink

    My word, just looking at this delicious creation makes me happy!

  • December 17, 2013 - 3:36 am | Permalink

    I’m gone to inform my little brother, that he
    should also go to see this web site on regular basis to get updated from hottest information.

  • Pingback: Superfood Spotlight: Dates (Featuring Date and Peanut Butter Slice) | The Jolly Beetroot

  • Maria
    April 30, 2014 - 3:51 pm | Permalink

    You are hilarious :D
    I just stumbled upon your blog for the first time today, and my, what a delight !
    So many fantastic sounding recipes !

  • denise
    November 23, 2014 - 1:33 am | Permalink

    The best, easiest, healthiest chocolate desert ever! So delicious! I Didn’t even use whipped cream or coconut milk, just topped it with sliced bananas!

  • Merry
    January 11, 2015 - 4:53 pm | Permalink

    This recipe looks delicious! What type of date did you use?

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