There are things in life that scare me. Like, for instance, when you’re sitting in a doctor’s office for a regular checkup and you’re asked to remove all of your clothes, but remember you wore your unforgivably ugly underwear because it’s laundry day, and you make a panicked mental reminder to find a new doctor because, clearly, you can’t face this one again.
But also diet things. Like, any and all diet things. I think we can thank the ’80s for most things “diet” and “lite”, as well as for acid wash denim and the surge of needlessly long guitar solos that make most songs too awkward for karaoke.
My defenses against these fears are, first, keep a healthy stock of doctor-friendly underwear, and second, combat the diet fad by making my junk food the way the food gods intended: full fat, full flavor, no shame.
Like this ridiculous wheat-, dairy-, egg-, gluten-, and sugar-free chocolate cream pie, for instance:
Chocolate cream pie is probably my favorite thing in the world, just before rubbing puppy bellies and after Youtube videos of babies eating lemons. I just don’t buy it often because it’s chock full of stuff I just don’t want in my food. Like chemical sweeteners, sub-par ingredients and the grubby fingers of waitresses at The Village Inn.
The crust is made of pecans and dates, the filling is made from cocoa, dates, avocados and vanilla, and the whipped cream? Coconut milk and raw honey. (Though, for full disclosure, I used pastured cream to make the whipped cream for the sake of aesthetics. Because I’m shallow.)
You read that ingredient list, right?
- Coconut milk (or pastured cream)
- Raw honey
Das it! No shenanigans going on here; nothing diet, just normal foods with healthy fats and real flavor. Want to know why? Because diets are the cause of tragedies. Diets are the cause of the ebola virus** and high-waisted mom jeans. I’ll let you decide which one’s worse.
**The author is told to clearly note that this is an alleged allegation, which relieves him of any legal liabilities brought forth by diet foods or the highly gullible. The mom jeans bit is true, though. So…you know, watch out. Because diets WILL GIVE YOU DYSENTERY.***
***Also alleged…ly an awful thing to experience. So don’t eat diet foods.
PALEO CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE
Number of servings (yield): 12 Recipe: Paleo Chocolate Cream Pie For the whipping cream: For the crust: For the filling:
Skip to step #5 if using heavy whipping cream instead of coconut milk
Number of servings (yield): 12
Recipe: Paleo Chocolate Cream Pie
For the whipping cream:
For the crust:
For the filling: